Last Christmas, just before Dirty Tackle made the move on up to Yahoo!, we featured a very special holiday post from Artur that has since been unavailable. So, to celebrate the season and this overwhelmingly tremendous year for DT, here it is once again.
AHHHHHH I AM ARTUR BORUC AND THIS IS NOT MY FRIDAY RAGE LIST!!!!!! SINCE TODAY IS CHRISTMAS [EVE] IT DIDN'T SEEM RIGHT TO BE MAKING A LIST OF THINGS THAT MADE ME ANGRY THIS WEEK!!!!!!! SO INSTEAD I WILL TELL YOU ABOUT THE TIME I SAVED CHRISTMAS!!!!!
OUR STORY BEGINS CHRISTMAS DAY TWO YEARS AGO WHEN I WOKE UP COVERED IN TOMATO JUICE INSIDE A CLOSET THAT I USE TO STORE SHARP ROCKS AND OLD TOOTHBRUSHES IN!!!!!! I RAN DOWNSTAIRS TO THE ROOM WHERE THE CHRISTMAS TREE WAS TO SEE WHAT PRESENTS I GOT BUT THERE WERE NO PRESENTS AND THE TREE WAS BURNT TO A CRISP!!!!!!! NOW I KNEW WHY THE TREE WAS BURNT BECAUSE EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE CATCHES FIRE AT ONE TIME OR ANOTHER BUT THE FACT THAT THERE WERE NO PRESENTS WAS A HORRIBLE MYSTERY!!!!!!!
BEFORE I COULD PUNCH A TOILET IN INTENSE ANGER OVER THE SITUATION I HEARD A KNOCK ON MY DOOR!!!!! IT WAS MY IDIOT NEIGHBOR DAN WYKOWSKI!!!!!! HE SAID THERE WERE NO PRESENTS AT HIS HOUSE EITHER AND HIS KIDS WERE VERY UPSET AND HE DIDN'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!!!! SO I TOLD HIM I WOULD FIX THIS AWFUL PROBLEM BUT I SAID IT IN A WAY SO HE WOULD KNOW THAT JUST LOOKING AT HIM MADE ME WANT TO VOMIT THUMBTACKS!!!!! WHICH I COINCIDENTALLY HAD JUST EATEN THE NIGHT BEFORE!!!!!
ONCE I GOT RID OF DAN AND NO LONGER FELT THE URGE TO THROW UP PIECES OF METAL I QUICKLY REALIZED WHO WAS TO BLAME FOR THE LACK OF PRESENTS!!!!! THAT GARBAGELICKER SANTA CLAUS AND HIS FREAKY LITTLE ELVES!!!!! I HAD NO IDEA WHERE TO FIND THAT TUB OF BUTTER AND BEARD HAIR SO I THOUGHT I WOULD TRACK HIM THROUGH THOSE LITTLE WEIRDOS HE HANGS OUT WITH!!!!!
THE ONLY ELF I KNEW OF WAS ANDREI ARSHAVIN THOUGH SO I WENT TO HIS HOUSE AND DEMANDED TO KNOW WHERE SANTA WAS!!!!! HE STARTED IN WITH SOME NONSENSE ABOUT DESIGNING WOMEN'S CLOTHING SO I GOT SCARED AND JUMPED THROUGH HIS FRONT WINDOW AND RAN AS FAST AS I COULD!!!! WHICH IS PRETTY FAST!!!! ESPECIALLY WHEN I HEADBUTT THE AIR WHILE I RUN!!!!!
SINCE THAT DIDN'T WORK I DIDN'T HAVE MANY OPTIONS LEFT!!!! AT THAT POINT I DECIDED TO TAKE A BREAK AND THROW BOTTLES AT FLYING BIRDS FOR A WHILE!!!!! THAT WAS FUN BUT OPENING PRESENTS IS EVEN MORE ENJOYABLE SO I STOPPED DOING THAT AND GOT BACK TO MY MISSION!!!!! I ASKED SEVERAL PEOPLE AROUND TOWN IF THEY HAD SEEN SANTA AND THEY ALL LAUGHED IN MY FACE SO I RESISTED THE URGE TO DROPKICK THEM IN THE NECK AND KEPT SEARCHING!!!!
AFTER MANY HOURS I FINALLY FOUND THAT WALKING BUCKET OF HEART DISEASE!!!!! HE WAS SITTING ON THE SIDEWALK AND APPEARED TO BE EXTREMELY DRUNK!!! HE WAS ALSO HOLDING HIS BEARD IN HIS HAND SO I ASSUMED HE HAD RIPPED IT OFF HIS FACE LIKE I DID THAT ONE TIME I GREW A BEARD!!!!!!! I WENT UP TO HIM AND ASKED WHY HE DIDN'T GIVE ME ANY PRESENTS!!!!! HE JUST KEPT BURPING!!!!! I EVENTUALLY GOT TIRED OF SCREAMING AN INCH FROM HIS EYE SOCKET SO I SAID "SCREW IT!!!!" AND BOUGHT PRESENTS FOR MYSELF AND MY IDIOT NEIGHBOR DAN AND HIS TWO GOOBER KIDS!!!!!! CHRISTMAS WAS SAVED FROM THE CORN MENACE AND IT WAS ALL THANKS TO ME!!!!!!!!!!!! ARTUR BORUC!!!!!!!
EVERYONE THEN LIVED HAPPILY EVER AFTER EXCEPT FOR ME BECAUSE I STILL HAVE TO LIVE NEXT DOOR TO DAN AND HIS GOOBER KIDS!!!!!!!! I'M PRETTY SURE ALL OF THAT ACTUALLY HAPPENED!!!!! ALTHOUGH IT MAY HAVE ALL BEEN A FEVER DREAM FROM DRINKING TOO MUCH PAINT THINNER!!!!!!! EITHER WAY HAPPY CHRISTMAS EVERYBODY!!!! EXCEPT THE CORN AND YOU SANTA BECAUSE YOU ARE A JERK AND I HATE YOU!!!!!!!
AHHHHHH I AM ARTUR BORUC AND THIS HAS BEEN MY STORY ABOUT SAVING CHRISTMAS!!!! GOD BLESS!!!!!
Bar Refaeli Jessica White Anna Friel Monica Bellucci Minki van der Westhuizen
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